I was sitting in the sauna at the gym last week reflecting on my intimacy experiences of the weekend.
For the past 6 months or so, my partner and I have been saying:
“that was the best sex ever.”
“Actually no that was the best sex ever.”
” Is there any limit to how good this gets?”
We kept on hitting new upper limits, going higher and higher. But now I was feeling down on myself. I was down on myself because I’m a conscious sexuality mentor. I’m about to teach my first Tantra for Couples course. And my own sex on the weekend had sucked!
“I shouldn’t be having this experience,” I thought!
“I should be beyond this by now.”
But then I realized I was not practicing what I teach.
Conscious sexuality is a meditation practice. The goal is not to have the best orgasm, to be multi-orgasmic, or to have a simultaneous orgasm with your partner. The goal is to be present to everything that arises, to be present to the moment.
These are the steps I took after frustrating sex. Realizing that I had actually taken them and remembering the actual result made me feel way better:
*(please adapt them to your needs if you are not with a longterm or regular partner)
- Take time for a verbal debrief after sex. This is a ritual my partner and I started doing when we started pushing the edges of our sex life i.e. trying new things, sharing fantasy, bringing forward new turn-ons, practicing tantra. A debrief afterward creates a safe container. It means that in whatever way you are navigating and experiencing in the moment, you know there will be time afterward to digest, reconnect, learn and integrate.
- Accept when something triggers you. Do not try to cover it up, hide it, or protect your partner from it. Name the trigger and connect it to your core wounding if you can. Take responsibility for it.
- Turn to support. Remind yourself that you are not alone. In my instance, I put on my ear buds while I vacuuming the house and listened to a 2 hour Q&A with Layla Martin.
- Ask to be seen. After vacuuming, I shared with my partner a little more about what I was going through. I had him listen to a few minutes of the Layla Martin audio I was listening to. This built some credibility and understanding around my experience and helped him feel that I was taking care of myself.
The result? There in his apron in the kitchen, while making healthy meals for the week for us, he kindly acknowledged what I was going through and told me that I made sense.And guess what that made me want to do? It made me want to tear his clothes off and throw him on the bed and devour him. I left the weekend wanting more! (in a good way)!
Emily Nagoski, author of Come As You Are, says it’s not what feelings we feel but how we feel about our feelings that affect how good our sex life is. This is called “meta-emotions.”
It’s really not what lovemaking looks like or whether or not it brings incredible elation or bliss every time. It’s about accepting everything that comes. Because you can’t control how you are going to respond every time. And isn’t that what you also like about it? It’s beyond your control. It’s in fact where you let go of control and step into something larger than your self.
I hope these steps may help you to reframe your experience when frustrating sex visits you. The only goal is to be your self. Nothing else.
Love is your nature,
– Zoey Wren