Are you interested in more emotional connection, more intimacy, and more heartfelt communication during sex? Less sensation, physicality and purely mechanical sex?
For me, learning to have “sex without the sex part” has been one of the most wonderful aspects of my intimacy healing journey over the past few years.
Before I had all the tools in my toolkit that I have now , the best part of physical connection for me was pretty much everything else besides intercourse. Now, however, when everything else is done right, intercourse is the best part! This is because intercourse and orgasm are no longer the goal.
The spectrum of “what sex is” is actually a lot wider than most people realize. In our society most people were not taught this spectrum. We were not taught to freely follow our desires, to create with abandon, to play with zest, to explore, experiment, to have fun, to learn all the possibilities.
But having these possibilities takes the pressure off formulas for sex, ingrained habits, safe patterns, copying the norm, “doing what’s right,” and especially driving toward orgasm as the ultimate highest goal.
There is so much pleasure and orgasmic energy that can be experienced by shifting from a performance and goal-oriented mentality to expanding the spectrum of pleasure and connection.
In order to start doing this, I am going to divide what could be called “sex” into 3 parts. Then I will give you some ideas on how to play with these 3 parts on their own so you can start taking the pressure off orgasm and intercourse while having something to replace it with.
Part 1: Sex is about connecting
What activities besides sex make you feel really connected to your lover? What does feeling connected look like? Here are a few activities to create sexy connection:
1. Eye Contact. Try gazing into each other’s eyes and breathe together without speaking. This can feel extremely intimate. Eye gazing bypasses the mental stories you carry about each other and drops you into a level of authentic connection in the moment.
2. Share verbal appreciations. Tell each other what you love and appreciate about each other. Make sure to stay present and deeply take in the appreciation.
3. Learn conscious communication conversations for when you become triggered. Learn how to hold space for one another, so you can give and receive safety when needed. Carve out a container for hurts to be heard and sorrows to be held.
4. Breathe together. And/or do chakra toning. Connecting up your energy bodies through meditation and visualization can be a huge turn on! If you want to learn how to open your chakras through sound, check out my CD Recording: Sounding the Chakras.
Part 2: Sex is about physical nourishment
What kind of interactions with your lover besides sex leave you deeply nourished on a physical level? Intercourse can certainly be one of these ways. But here are some other options:
1. Give each other full body massages. Learn how to do pussy massage and penis massage. Being teased and treated right all over (including the genitals) is so sexy and nourishing.
2. Make out with your clothes on! Remember how fun this was when we were in our teens? It’s still fun now.
3. Touch your lover in a way that turns you on. Try “taking” touch with each other. Take pleasure as you touch rather than trying to give pleasure only. You can do it clothes on and touching all over. Sky’s the limit!
4. Cuddle and caress: on the living room couch. On a carpet. In bed. Set a timer and agree to cuddle and caress only. Stroke each other’s hair. Press your bodies into each other. Whisper what you appreciate about each other.
Part 3: Sex is about creative fun and play
Think of a time of high-energy fun with your lover, besides sex. Remember when you were laughing your heads off, out on an adventure, or working on a project together? Intercourse can stoke the fire of creativity and collaboration. But so do these things:
1. Dress up and do a role-play together. Set it up as seductive or silly and playful as you wish. Put no pressure on being sexy or being a good actor. Just have fun with it!
2. Play with sensation. Try tickling, caressing, massaging, biting, grabbing, scratching, slapping, kissing, pinching, etc. all over. Try ice cubes, hot oil or wax, or other sensations. Learn your partner’s and your own true boundaries and limits.
3. Do anything active together. Sports, hiking, painting, dance, singing, home improvement, yoga. Get into your bodies together.
4. Play like children. Suggest games that normally children do. Put up a tent in your backyard, play dolls or race cars, climb a tree, play a video game, run through the forest, whatever your inner child desires. Let go of being an adult for a while.
All of these games and activities give you the same benefits that sex can without rushing to the sex part. Penetration often happens too quickly for women or is too limiting.
Once you start introducing some of these new ways of playing and connecting into your relationship, it may become debatable what is more pleasurable; pure play, pure connection, or intercourse itself. It may become debatable what is sex and what is not sex.
What I have found with my women clients is that when the pressure is off for intercourse it is actually easier to open to and escalate to intercourse.
So try some sex without sex. And truly define what you desire for yourself. Climax isn’t everything!!