It was Saturday of Easter Weekend. I had about three different offers coming my way for how to spend the evening. Friends, family, out at a karaoke club, partner. But I had to admit I was feeling plain tired. I was also feeling grumpy that I didn’t have more energy to socialize.
I knew that a girlfriend of mine had sexy plans for the evening. That sounds enticing, I thought. I was envious.
So with all these feelings swirling in me, my partner asked me what I wanted for the evening. I heard these words come out of my mouth:
” I want you in bed!”
Drat! Now I was in the kitchen clearing up from dinner. My heart was pounding in my chest. I had done it. I had initiated sex. We were meeting in bed in 10 minutes. Holy Crap!
This anxiety about initiating is a familiar but uncomfortable feeling for me. It is why I avoided initiating for years. My husband eventually gave up initiating because it was unbalanced. Our sex life dwindled.
Now here I was in the kitchen. I had thrown out the line. What next? I’m not skilled at this…
I took a deep breath, reminded myself that there was no need for a goal or expectation. I didn’t have to know the next step. Just keep following my desire….
I arrived in the bedroom and took my time to strip off my clothes. It felt so good to lie down naked under the covers. It was still early and it felt so sweet to lie together as the daylight was just fading.
We began to stroke each other and I began to melt into the simple pleasure of skin on skin. Then it occurred to me what I really wanted. I didn’t want intercourse or escalation. I didn’t want action or amping up of activity. Just this sweetness.
“Let’s take a skin on skin bath,” I said.
This intention expressed in words now allowed us both to dive into the experience we were already having. The simplicity and emotional bonding of being pressed close together felt amazing. We drank of the experience, focusing on the pleasure of skin on skin being enough.
We feel asleep in each other’s arms and I had a deep restorative sleep. I awoke feeling inspired and rested. I realized I didn’t have to hold back my essential urge to take my partner to bed when I don’t actually want sex.
In the past, I would try to wait until I was super turned on before initiating intimacy. But the urge often started very slowly or subtly. And I couldn’t control where it would lead.
This time I let it lead itself. I took myself out of the equation and thus I took the anxiety away.
If you would like to take the anxiety out of initiating here are a few suggestions:
1) Start where you are. Accept your natural desire or impulse. Don’t judge it or try to plan it all out. Just ask for what you want and be willing to submit to the mystery as it unfolds.
2) Breathe deeply and stay present with your body. She will tell you each step of the way what you are wanting or needing next. Keep focused on pleasure and breath.
3) Don’t be afraid of fluctuating boundaries – your partner’s or your own. A yes can turn into a no. A no can turn into a yes. A maybe can turn into a yes. A no can turn into a maybe, etc. Boundaries can fluctuate within 2 minutes or 2 seconds.
4) Be open to inspiration. Keep an open mind and attitude of curiosity. This allows for results that you may not have thought of and could never have planned!
5) Communicate appreciation. Focus on what is going well. Express your gratitude and the pleasure you are experiencing. Ask for more of what is going well. Look for what pleases you and your partner. Amplify the positive.
6) Focus on pleasure! Not orgasm. Or intercourse. Or penetration. Pleasure. Pleasure can be so simple. And it is enough! In fact it is more than enough. It is deeply satisfying and it builds on itself if you let if be enough.
Your natural urges are beautiful and magical. You can initiate and not know what you are doing. You can experiment. You can change your mind. Why not? You are just human. In order to be sexy you don’t have to be a porn star or a superhero. Just be yourself one moment at a time.
If you feel inspired, try a skin-to-skin bath for yourself. It was one of my favourite Saturday nights ever!
Remember, Love is your Nature!